It is now day #3 of the Diabetes Blog Week. This has been an interesting experience for me for many reasons: 1) I’m new to blogging and I’m still trying to figure the whole thing out, including my own blog-page. 2) I’ve never participated in a diabetic group that is so honest with their introspections and sharing. 3) I rarely give myself the attention to answer these sorts of questions for and about myself. Thank you, all, for being part of this community.
I’ve got a few items I wish I could improve on in terms of my diabetes. And a couple I’ve never said out-loud before.
The first one is that I wish I weren’t so hard on myself. Being born with diabetes over 55 years ago, I was brought up with the “threat, guilt, fear and shame” style of controlling young diabetics. Unfortunately, a lot of that still resounds deep within me. That little nemesis sits on my shoulder, scolding and berating me. Getting stuck in the “wouldda-shouldda-coulddas” is a bad place to be. I’ve learned to turn it off most of the time. It’s strange how we remember the patterning we were raised with, even after we become our own masters (sort-of… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to master “control over my diabetes”, or at least, not until the artificial pancreas becomes a reality.) Still, I wish I were easier and more accepting of myself and my diabetes.
Now, this I’ve never said before: I wish I were doing better dealing with my eyes failing (due to diabetes)! This is a hard one. I cry inside all the time – few people ever get to see what a toll it’s taking on me. I feel so sad and lonely, sometimes. Life is getting difficult and tasks are now taking so long! Nothing is easy anymore. Part of the reason I’ve read so few of your blogs is because reading is the hardest thing for me to do. I miss being able to truly see – see the details of birds and flowers, and people’s faces from a distance. And reading! I miss reading. Sometimes I get so angry with my diabetes. Yet, I’m grateful that what was done to my eyes in the early 1980’s as “state-of-the-art” treatments for diabetic retinopahy are no longer used. I’m thankful every day for that, and for all of you who may ever have diabetic eye issues.
And, I’d like to get better at asking for help. While growing up, I wasn’t allowed to let anyone know I had diabetes, yet ever ask for help. That was forbidden in my family. But now, due to walking around with Rainie, my DAD (diabetic alert dog), it’s easy to tell people about my diabetes. The conversation comes naturally because they want to know what Rainie does. However, it’s still hard for me to admit that I need help, and ask for it.